Things I’ve Discovered Watching Daytime TV
My wife has been off work for a while now and has been watching a lot of TV during the day. I catch bits & pieces of it as I wander back and forth looking for snacks or drinks. With my wife being pregnant, we also don’t get out much, but thankfully I can learn all I need to know from the TV. Here’s what I’ve learned so far, along with the programmes you should watch when you too can gain such useful insights:
- All Australian women between the ages of 15 and 55 are gorgeous (Neighbours, BBC1)
- Most family problems can be settled with a DNA test (The Jeremy Kyle Show, ITV2)
- You don’t need to manage your finances any more: just spend as much as you want, get into debt, then you can write 90% of it off and start again (Any advert break)
- If you see Angela Lansbury, either run, or get a good lawyer (Murder She Wrote, UKTV Gold)
- That 1989 “collector’s edition” porcelain moneybox is actually worthless tat, not a sound investment (Cash in the Attic, BBC1)
- That 1989 “collector’s edition” porcelain moneybox may be worthless, but at least my house isn’t filled with innumerate quantities of other such assorted junk (Cash in the Attic, BBC1)
- The village may be quaint, and have a population of only
114,113, 112, but it’s not recommended as a holiday destination (Midsomer Murders, ITV1) - Six people co-habiting never have disagreements which last longer than half an hour (Friends, E4)
- The world’s ugliest, most miserable-looking woman can be turned into a catwalk model with a nice frock, a haircut, and some green eyeshadow (Lorraine Kelly Today, ITV1)
- Everyone who wants to move home has over half a million to spend and is allowed to reject a house based on the noise made by the stream at the bottom of the 240ft garden (Location, Location, Location, More4)
- Everyone who robs a British corner shop just looks pixellated and police should really be out looking for a bloke with a head made out of large, grey Lego blocks… (Crimewatch, BBC1)
- … but murder someone in Florida and the police force can “digitally enhance” your face from 1000 yards away on a webcam, and then prove you once farted near the victim (CSI: Miami, Five)
- You don’t need a talent, looks, or sense to be a presenter on TV (any shopping channel)
- You never get rushed to hospital with appendicitis – only for accidents involving industrial machinery (Casualty, BBC1)
- You only go into hospital voluntarily if you have serious unresolved family issues and you need an operation which is “highly unlikely” to cause a life-threating condition (Holby City, BBC1)