Things I’ve Discovered Watching Daytime TV

My wife has been off work for a while now and has been watching a lot of TV during the day. I catch bits & pieces of it as I wander back and forth looking for snacks or drinks. With my wife being pregnant, we also don’t get out much, but thankfully I can learn all I need to know from the TV. Here’s what I’ve learned so far, along with the programmes you should watch when you too can gain such useful insights:

  1. All Australian women between the ages of 15 and 55 are gorgeous (Neighbours, BBC1)
  2. Most family problems can be settled with a DNA test (The Jeremy Kyle Show, ITV2)
  3. You don’t need to manage your finances any more: just spend as much as you want, get into debt, then you can write 90% of it off and start again (Any advert break)
  4. If you see Angela Lansbury, either run, or get a good lawyer (Murder She Wrote, UKTV Gold)
  5. That 1989 “collector’s edition” porcelain moneybox is actually worthless tat, not a sound investment (Cash in the Attic, BBC1)
  6. That 1989 “collector’s edition” porcelain moneybox may be worthless, but at least my house isn’t filled with innumerate quantities of other such assorted junk (Cash in the Attic, BBC1)
  7. The village may be quaint, and have a population of only 114, 113, 112, but it’s not recommended as a holiday destination (Midsomer Murders, ITV1)
  8. Six people co-habiting never have disagreements which last longer than half an hour (Friends, E4)
  9. The world’s ugliest, most miserable-looking woman can be turned into a catwalk model with a nice frock, a haircut, and some green eyeshadow (Lorraine Kelly Today, ITV1)
  10. Everyone who wants to move home has over half a million to spend and is allowed to reject a house based on the noise made by the stream at the bottom of the 240ft garden (Location, Location, Location, More4)
  11. Everyone who robs a British corner shop just looks pixellated and police should really be out looking for a bloke with a head made out of large, grey Lego blocks… (Crimewatch, BBC1)
  12. … but murder someone in Florida and the police force can “digitally enhance” your face from 1000 yards away on a webcam, and then prove you once farted near the victim (CSI: Miami, Five)
  13. You don’t need a talent, looks, or sense to be a presenter on TV (any shopping channel)
  14. You never get rushed to hospital with appendicitis – only for accidents involving industrial machinery (Casualty, BBC1)
  15. You only go into hospital voluntarily if you have serious unresolved family issues and you need an operation which is “highly unlikely” to cause a life-threating condition (Holby City, BBC1)